what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
