I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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