I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
