Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
