this just has baby written all over it
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
