Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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