What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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