so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Randomize
