i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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