Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize