What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
