im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
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