Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I deserve this hangover.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
