I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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