seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
