last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
