Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
