Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
