My room smells like vodka and shame
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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