She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
