dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
