He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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