Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
