and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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