two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Randomize
