she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
