Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
