i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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