id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
