just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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