THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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