just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
