Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
