yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I met the friendliest cop last night
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize