I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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