I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
