My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
