You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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