I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I fill condoms, not promises.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
