I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
