It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
