I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
