Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Randomize
