Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
