I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize