MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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