mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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