we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
