the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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