Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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