I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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