We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
