Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
my poor anus
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
