I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
