apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
where are you?
Hypothermia
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
