And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
