All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
