I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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