The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
